What I am not shy to tell you.

work soon

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 04:58:00 +0000

I think I need to get back to work. I am starting to enjoy afternoon re-runs of "Murder She Wrote".

Today in the news it said that the average Australian worker works an extra 70 minutes of unpaid overtime each week, and that work is becoming a habit, that people do not know how to "turn-off" anymore, thanks to communication technology in the home, and the shifting of Aussie ways from a leisure to money making culture.

When I am not working I do have a hard time knowing what to do with myself. My thoughts run amok and I feel like I have to keep my skills going, so I often do something work-related, like learn a software or do some little project.

Most people I work with are like me, working as we do we get in the habit of extreme hours, and are so consumed by our work that we cultivate little else. Even people who have outside hobbies are often doing something related: making gadgets, working on a film or screenplay, taking photos.

The people I have worked with who have unrelated hobbies are generally doing something on the opposite end: bungee jumping, plane flying, hang gliding - something adrenaline pumping and fierce, something to prove they are brave and physical.

I could be doing so many things, noble things, creative things. I could learn a language. But in a traveling freelancing world it is hard to commit to anything that will be more than a few weeks. But I am about to have a part-time job here for awhile, so some consistency should arrive soon.

Yesterday was 93˚F, according to the news, but it felt hotter than that. We kept the house dark and closed, with fans running the air around. It was hard to focus, hard to do anything, including watch "Murder She Wrote". I ended up going to the grocery store. The air conditioning felt so good; I felt like myself for a half an hour.

By 6pm the heat was broken by a thunder and lightning storm. It's great when rain breaks the spell.

Just the same, we slept for most of the night with the air conditioning on (we have a unit in our bedroom).

I bet Australians would not work that extra time, and maybe be even less productive, if there was no air conditioning. And maybe then people would remember how to relax.

A hop over the puddle

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 04:51:00 +0000

I returned 3 days ago from being in New Zealand for a month. It was a great trip.

Darcy and I went over for a holiday. I had always wanted to go to New Zealand. In fact, 5 years ago I was deciding between a trip to NZ or a trip to Australia, as air fares were way way cheap and I really wanted to travel. In the end I decided on Australia as i knew a couple of people here, then I met Darcy and now here I am. How different my life would be if I had decided to to go to New Zealand instead. I have no way of knowing. But just the same I am glad I came here instead.

And just the same, New Zealand was fantastic! A very lush and green country, chock full of sheep and cows and pine forests, thanks to a heavy logging industry, feeding China. OK, the logging was disturbing. There is so much reforestation with North American trees that if i wasn't driving on the left side of the road, there would have been nothing to make me feel I wasn't back in new Hampshire. But it wasn't all that way. Once we got to the South Island, plant life seemed to get much more native, and it was really breathtaking.

We started in Auckland. Auckland seemed pretty cool, very spread out so we only sampled a tiny part of it. It is at the top of the North Island, with smaller islands surrounding it and heading further North. It is not very big, even though it is New Zealand's biggest city, about a million people. We were only there a day and a half, so we checked out design galleries, I met with a company there for future freelance work, and we ate some good Japanese food. Then we hit the road.

We drove past many many many many green fields full of grazing sheep and cows. Many. There are more sheep in New Zealand than I could have conceived of. And we only saw a portion of the country.

We drove around Rotorua, where there are many geothermal springs, and we got to see boiling - and I mean boiling - water streams and water holes, and bubbling hot mud pools. We then went on to Wellington where I had another interview and we stayed with friends Kelsi and Malcolm. I met Malcolm while working in Sydney, and discovered that his girlfriend Kelsi is from Weare. Yes! From the town I grew up in! And she went to school with my brother Jack! Very very strange. They are a cool couple. Wellington is the nation's capitol, and as NZ's second largest city has a population of 400,000. Small country.

After a few days we took a ferry from Wellington, which is at the bottom of the North Island, to Picton, the top of the South Island. We spent a couple of days in the Marlborough area, a wine producing region famous for its Sauvignon Blancs, but for my tastes and Darcy's also makes some killer Pinot Noir. The best I have had in the Southern Hemisphere! We then traveled west along the coast, and experienced stunning terrain and trees. We cut through the mountains and reached Middle Earth. Big gorgeous snow capped mountains, with masses of rocky fields, windy fields and electric blue rivers at their feet. We took nice little hikes and enjoyed the fresh chilly winds. We also took a fun boat ride through a gorge, which I think is short for gorgeous! New Zealand is a very young land, they still have earthquakes and their native wildlife is unique and has evolved much less than surrounding islands (according to a tv show I saw once), and you can feel it in the freshness and power of the water, and see it in the bands of color on the side of a rock wall, or in the dramatic crevasses in a mountain created by a massive earth quake. The place is stunning and feels good.

We flew out of Christchurch, a small English looking city, but Darcy headed back to Brisbane and I went back to Wellington. The company I had met there asked if I could return for a 2 week job, so I did. It went well, and I enjoyed spending more time in cooler temps, but by the end I was looking forward to being in my own bed. I hope to return to New Zealand sometime soon. It was beautiful.

a green field and a rainbow, the first but not the last we saw of each;

a field with sheep. they cover the place;

some native trees;

naturally boiling pool;

steam from the hot springs near Rotorua;

leaving North Island;

me on the ferry;

South Island;

West Coast of South Island;

near the Marlborough Region;

Darcy in Arthur's Pass, or what we call "Middle Earth";

Gorgeous Middle Earth.

hellloooo

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 05:48:00 +0000

It has been awhile since I wrote, such a while that I don't know if any one is even going to read this, but I'll write anyway. Things have happened, but I didn't feel like writing about it. I still don't, so I will try to think of something else to tell you.

I have been working these past 2 months, and I have another month of work to go. It is for company down the road, a 30 minute walk, a 10 minute bike ride, or a 5 minute car ride. I have been either walking or driving when I am running late. Currently we are working on a commercial, but that is only a brief stint from the kids' tv show I have been working on the rest of the time. I am glad for the work, and how convenient it is. But I am sick of the behavior I experience in the room I work in. I work with about 10 guys, younger and older than me, and though they are good people, they are disgusting. They have belching contests, say gross things, tell offensive jokes, and use the word "fuck" after every three other words. In this description, I do not exaggerate. I have never worked someplace so unprofessional. I had to complain to the producer about one of the guys referring to the other female artist as "tits".

Negative bits aside, I have had overall a pretty good winter here. Winter is the best time to be in Brisbane, as it is only warm and not hot. That being said, today, in what is supposed to be the coldest month of the year, the temperature reached 31C (87). Tomorrow it is supposed to reach 34C (93)!

But like I said, negative bits aside, I have had a pretty good winter here. Having a long term job in my neighborhood has helped me to feel, for the first time, like I actually live here. I have been able to go to pilates classes in the evening, and am starting to know some names of classmates. Occasionally, I even run into someone on the street. I have become a little chatty with some of the workers of various local cafes, and my husband and I go out and meet people for dinner sometimes. It all feels like a little game almost, like this life is just a temporary situation something will happen and the bubble will burst. But maybe not. Maybe things will only get better from here.

I have noticed that the other blogs I used to read haven't been updated in a long time. I suppose that's all right, maybe these people have moved on to Twitter and Facebook. I haven't had time for Facebook, and when I do have a moment I don't have anything to share. And as for Twitter, you can keep it.

I don't know what else to say, but I hope I do soon.

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 01:27:00 +0000

So I have finally turned 40. I feel bad for the year 39, in that I imagine it does not get the energy and attention it deserves for simply being year 39. It is always that last year. I think people either live it in a desperate clinging fashion, or in an anticipatory fashion. I lived it fine, though for the last 3 months I have been in anticipatory mode, and started telling many people I was 40. I didn't give 39 its due, and for that, 39, I wholly apologize. Sadly, I can't make it up to you, only promise that I will attempt to give 49 the year it deserves.

It has been a strange time, in that 40 also seems silly to even think about. At the moment, I am hardly thinking about it, as my grandmother has about a week to live, and it is making me think about her quite a bit. She is the closest person to me to die in maybe 30 years. It is much more of a blow than when my father died 20 years ago. He was not really in my life. She was, and has been until the end.

She is 95, but I think we all thought she was going to be here for another 10 years. It certainly didn't seem out of the question. Her brain is fine, she was still driving a little bit, she lived alone, and she is just a lovely person to be around. This is the first year I have not received a birthday card from her, that is how thoughtful she is.

She really loves all of her kids and her grandchildren, and I believe it is not just a general love that she gives no thought to. She genuinely cares about us. I have always been surprised at her level of wisdom and insight, whenever discussing family members with her. It is clear that she thinks about us all, and appreciates the good in us.

My grandma is Catholic, but I don't think she is strict about it. She told me once that she thought the church was important for a sense of community. She was always very social through it. She knitted things for fairs and until recently attended a weekly Scripture group. She told me that every Christmas all the different denominations in her town would visit a different church, and have a meal. I think she is very spiritual but it is a personal thing, not a by-the-rules thing. I never felt judged by her, and our family is full of many sins - born out of wedlock, divorce, living in sin, homosexuality, and interfaith marriage. She loves us all, I never heard her say anything against anything. Maybe she did when she was younger - I don't know. But in my time knowing her I never found religion to be an issue. I imagine she had many private conversations with invisible forces. She loved solitude, but I never had the impression she was lonely. My grandfather died 30 years ago, and she has been on her own ever since.

I think it concerned her that my brother and I didn't have a father figure in our lives, and though I never heard her say anything, it was clear after awhile that she didn't view my stepfather as any kind of parent. I appreciated that, as he was actually an extremely dark force in my life that I could not control. She and my grandfather (when he was alive) were very important in providing when my mother could not, and doing things to cultivate our minds, encourage our interests.

For many years, they gave us a subscription to National Geographic "World" magazine, the NG for kids. When we visited my grandparents, I loved looking at all of their old copies of National Geographic, and imagining far away places. That is still my favorite magazine. I have a subscription today!

I remember my grandparents taking me to see "The Fantastiks" at Theatre By-The-Sea in Portsmouth. I was probably only 6. I loved it, even if I couldn't completely follow the story. They also took me to see Godspell, which I always loved. I remember watching it on tv at their house in Queens, before they moved to NH. Later they took me to see some plays at the community theatre in the town they retired to. They were always very encouraging for me to be an actress. (I hope I haven't let them down...)

When I had my violin recital at the age of 9, they came to see it, and bought me an outfit to wear: white collared shirt, blue skirt and clogs.

My grandma drove to my house one evening to let me interview her for a class assignment about growing up during the Great Depression. I was very surprised and fascinated by what she told me. In her lifetime, she saw people change from horse and buggy to automobile, and electricity in every home. People used to run 5 blocks to the local store to receive a phone call, as most people did not have a phone, so a call could be for anyone in the neighborhood when it came in.

When I was a teenager, I wanted to go to another country and be a foreign exchange student. My grandma obviously thought about it, because one day after school she drove down to my house, picked me up, and brought me back to her town for a meeting for students interested in foreign exchange. I heard a girl talk about her summer in Sweden, and heard a boy from Uruguay talk about his time in New Hampshire.

Several times in grade school, I stayed at my grandmother's house with girlfriends for the weekend. She always took us out for breakfast, which was such a treat! We would get pancakes every time.

Later when I was in college, I remember her picking me up from the bus station to attend my older brother's first wedding. None of us were happy. He was very young and the girl he was marrying was trashy and suspect. She drove me to get some breakfast, and it was the first time I ever drank coffee in front of her. She was surprised, and told me if I was going to drink coffee, I'd better drink milk because coffee depletes calcium in your bones. Then she said to me, with a weird twinkle in her eye, "you know, old people don't fall down and break a hip. The break a hip, and that's why they fall down." Happily, I finally gave up coffee a year ago.

I think no matter what I have done or what I have told her, I think my grandma has always made me feel that I could do anything, and that I was pretty special. I suppose that is really what a good grandparent will do, and I think I had the best.

I think the best thing she has ever said to me is, "the only thing you are supposed to do with your life is live it!" That is the greatest, most inspiring, and most comforting thing I have heard anyone say. I remind myself of this quote time and time again, as I surf the ups and downs.

Whenever I have gone back to her house for a visit, I am almost embarrassed by the little gifts she has kept from me over the years. There is an enormous toadstool that I once found in the woods, and with the tip of a knife, I carved a woodland scene into it as a gift for her. She still has it. The last time I was visiting her, she pulled it out, "remember when you made me this?", she asked with a smile. "I can't believe you still have that," I replied incredulously. The toadstool probably weighs 15 pounds - it is about the size of a large medicine ball. "Of course I have it," she laughed, "how often does someone give you one of these?"

She also has a drawing I made for her once. My Aunt Jane once gave me one of those poseable wooden statues that people use for figure drawing. I was very young, maybe 9,10. I made a drawing of the statue, a very dramatic one, with a blue pencil. It is not a great drawing, I was not trained at all and don't have any particular talent, but she framed it, and it is still on her living room wall, like a great piece of art.

As I became older, and trained to believe that drawing and painting and any other form of creativity should only be done if you are "good" at it, the little homemade gifts stopped being given. But one time, after coming home from a semester in Europe, I did make her one last thing. I made her a Christmas ornament based on one of my favorite drawings, Paul Klee's "Forgetful Angel". It was made out of a coarse dough that I formed roughly into the shape of Klee's image, then baked, and then painted in tones of grey. She put it on the shelf of her china cabinet in the kitchen, and it has remained there ever since.

I got to see my grandma one last time, this past winter. Darcy and I got to stay with her for about 4 days. She was limping around, but she made it seem like no big deal, which seemed to be her style. But now I know it was cancer pressing on her spine. While I was there, we chatted together and I ran some errands for her and we watched some DVDs. And I noticed that on her china cabinet, the angel was still there! It has dried out, and is crumbling. But she still has it. Maybe she really liked it, because she's an angel too.

I'm going to miss my grandma. But I am happy that I have had her in my life, and that I can miss so many wonderful things about her.

Get Up, Stand Up

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 01:51:00 +0000

Last Monday was a National Holiday, the Queen's Birthday. Yep, you got it. The Queen of England's birthday. Australia is part of the Commonwealth, so they celebrate some British holidays. The Queen's actual birthday is April 21st, but for some reason it is celebrated in June here, maybe to give people a day off during the winter. In the state of Western Australia, however, it is celebrated in November. New Zealand and the UK I think celebrate it on different days as well, and I don't know about the other commonwealth countries - there are quite a few.

Anyhoo, we went on that day to a festival called The Dreaming, which celebrates indigenous culture from around the world, but mainly Australia and the neighboring Pacific islands. It was really good. We saw traditional and contemporary music, some dance, and some paintings. Had we gone for all 3 days, we could have taken in some theatre, readings and other things as well. But the festival is a little pricey, and we (well, Darcy) had other things to do. But we walked around and saw what we could. There were lots of feral hippie types running around, which I thought I had lost my aversion to but I guess I haven't. Why they bug me I don't know. I guess because for all their dirty hair and mismatched ethnic clothing, they don't seem natural to me. They seem just as poser-like as any other group of people who adopt a visual style. Darcy tells me to not let it bother me. He's right. I need to relax.

We forgot to take pictures. I have to remember to take photos when I do things.

If you are someone that knows me ( and I can't imagine strangers read this blog), then you now that I am posturaly challenged - I don't stand up straight. I have had bad posture since I was little. It started from growing up feeling pretty bad about myself, and now it is just something I am used to doing. When I was a teenager, I came home from a basketball game, to have my mother yell at me about my posture. She had never been to any games I played, but my brother told her that all the boys on his basketball team laughed about the way I hunched my shoulders when I ran down the court. When I was older and lived in New York, I would try to hide myself from men on the street, thinking I could prevent them from saying things to me when I passed by. Now, in cold weather, I find myself hunching my shoulders to keep warm. And when I work, slouching is the way we all end up sitting as we toil away for hours on end in front of the computer. It is a terrible habit and I hate it. It reminds me of my youth and affects how I feel. Sometimes when I think I am standing up straight, I may catch my reflection and realize that I still have rounded shoulders, my head is still sloped forward like a turtle. Standing up straight is good for your health and I want to be healthy!

So, I have these shoes that help me stand up straight. They are called MBTs. They were expensive but they take stress off my knees, and actually make it uncomfortable to slouch when I walk. They look kind of funny, but they really help me stand up straight. I feel different when I wear them, almost like I can't not feel at least a little confident when I have them on. Having my shoulders back helps me breathe better. And having an open heart area improves my general outlook.

My big challenge these days is when I am sitting down. I slouch a lot when I am sitting. I look around, and people around me all seem to have square shoulders, even when sitting on a stool. So, I'll keep working on it.

Yoga is good for posture too, but I am not completely cured. It's going to happen though. I am going to stand up straight!

Old Friends can be New Strangers

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 01:38:00 +0000

I have had a lot going on this past month, mainly in the way of work. Hooray! A few friends have been so wonderful as to throw some small jobs my way, all done from home. I bit the bullet, bought a souped up laptop, and got on with it! I ended up working some long days and nights, but overall it was really good! Thank you friends; thank you Universe! Keep it going!

It has meant that I have spent a good amount of time these past couple of weeks sitting on my well-padded ass, so when I am finished with this entry I am going for a walk.

Facebook has been on my mind recently. I have been getting a lot of invitations to be friends with people from the past. I know that that is a popular use of Facebook, to look up people you have lost touch with. That can be good and bad. The past is very subjective. For some, it may be nice to remember a certain time in the past, for others, maybe they are glad it is the past and want to leave it back there.

I have had a few people from high school look me up. That was not the happiest time of my life, but I did know some nice people back then. So, I am now friends with them on Facebook but I do not know what to say. It has been 22 years since I have seen these people. Honestly, who the hell are they? I don't know them anymore. If we have things in common, we are not going to find out on facebook. They all have photos of their kids climbing jungle gyms and photos with their partners on trips to various places. They look like older versions of themselves, smiling, and I am happy for them, but I don't have the need to share anything. I wonder if I am cold, or if that is okay. I mean, come on, if we were meant to still be friends, it would happen, right?

When I was in Boston, a friend from high school contacted me through email. He got my email address from my brother, who he found on facebook. The friend invited me to lunch, so we met up. It was nice, but the more we remembered, the more we remembered how %*!$*'ed up our home lives were, how messed up everyone else's were and how strange some of the adults in town were. In conclusion, we had been so involved in our own personal miseries and trying to hide it from everyone, that our friendship was never that deep, and we didn't know each other very well back then at all. So we hardly knew each other now.

We had a nice time at lunch, almost like strangers getting to know each other, and said goodbye. He has not tried to become my friend on facebook, and I am glad. There is no ill will but truthfully there is just no need.

Another person recently found me on Facebook. I didn't remember him at first. He told me about his memories of me and our friendship, and I don't remember them as clearly as he does. We worked together the summer I was seventeen, doing canvassing for a political action group. It was the summer in which my innocence unraveled, finally. I witnessed drugs and experienced my first romantic and sexual contact, along with the disintegration of a friendship with a girl who was discovering her own secret powers of attraction. It was interesting and exciting at the time, but now that I am friends on facebook with someone from this period of my life, I am realizing that I want to leave it in the past.

It was painful. I experienced my first real pangs of jealousy. I lost the one friend at the time that I loved and trusted. I was surrounded by men who were in their twenties, horny and creepy. I was completely awkward with myself, and in the end, made very little money and the organization fell apart.

The thing that is strange about it is that for him, these times were good, and still are good in his memory. Our friendship was important to him, and he claimed to have had a crush on me. He was 6 years older then me, had already graduated from college, and had a thing for a 17 year old girl? He was remembering a letter I had sent him all those times ago lifting his spirits about something. I don't remember that at all.

I was in a bit of a fog at that time, trying to figure out how I felt about my family, wondering how I was going to move ahead into the future. College in Boston was my dream at the time; I needed to figure out how I was going to achieve it. I was also so used to boys staying away from me in school that i was oblivious to any kind of advances or gestures or even words an interested young man my try on me.

I have thought about it and run down various paths in my memory, and I guess I did really have a friendship with This person. But now? Well, no. I don't want to delve back into the past. What's the point? I was a child. Things have changed so much since then. Why dig it all up. And if he wants to, then he has to do it on his own.

My friend Angela told me she just rejects anyone on Facebook she doesn't want to be in contact with. I couldn't believe it. "Won't that make them feel bad?"

"Aren't your feelings more important?" she asked.

I wish I was more grown up sometimes!

Ugly Building Memory

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Thu, 07 May 2009 03:36:00 +0000

This morning I walked up the hill to the nearby bakery, Flour Power. It is a fantastic bakery, making lots of organic bread and little meatpies (Australian specialty) and croissants and doughnuts. I bought a loaf of sourdough bread and a croissant and walked to the park nearby, which has a nice view overlooking much of the city. I passed an apartment building on the way to the park, standing tall above all the houses around it. It has a square, seventies style, with ugly orange and blue squares decorating the exterior, and an observation deck on the top that makes it look almost like an air traffic control tower. I like the building. It makes me feel nostalgic, and I have never known why, but today a memory popped in my head that put the feeling into place.

As a child, from the age of 10 until I went to college, I used to spend 2 to 4 weeks in New York City with my Aunt and Uncle during summer vacation. They were amazing to us, my brother and I, and sometimes some other cousins would come visit too. They took us with them to work, took us to museums and theatre and restaurants all over the city. And sometimes we would spend the day with friends of theirs. I remember quite a few times going to spend the day with the kids of their friends, but at the aunt's place of the kids. The aunt lived in a high-rise near Rockaway Beach, and the hi-rises near Rockaway looked similar to the building I walked by this morning.

The aunt was very fat, and didn't seem very friendly, but in retrospect she must have been nice - she let my brother and I, who she didn't know, spend the day with her and her grand nieces and feed us. We would spend the whole day in the pool, as the ocean roared just on the other side of the fence. I loved it. I loved pools. I still love pools. The aunt would call us in from her deck to have lunch. She would make ham sandwiches with mayonnaise, and cokes. At that age, I didn't like mayonnaise, but I would eat it and not say anything.

Sometimes I remember things and feel sad and wish some things never happened, or wish that I had been a better girl when I was little, and other times I remember things and just feel so lucky that I had this or that experience, or that I had certain people in my life. I remember my aunt and uncle and another aunt of mine and her son and their circle of friends and just feel so lucky that they were in my life. They were so willing to take me on for weeks or months, and make me a part of their lives, and have fun.

Do people do that so much these days? Do you bring along the 11 year old niece of your friend to a dinner party, or to the pool of your aunt? Are people still that communal? Do people still view kids in such an easy way? I feel like when I spent those summers in NYC I was surrounded by adults who seemed to enjoy my company, and were happy to have me along anywhere. I don't know if that was true, but I never felt differently. It is no wonder I dreamed of living in New York for most of my childhood.

Occasionally, I get to spend time with friends and their children. Truthfully, I am awkward with some kids. They are shy, and I respect their distance. I don't know what to say to toddlers because I hate talking down or saying something insincere. But with other kids, I thoroughly enjoy talking to them, and I am thoroughly entertained by them. I would like to think that I would be able to say to a friend, sure, I'll have your kid stay with me for a week, and it would be easy. I don't know.

Things are different now. I don't think it is so acceptable now for kids to do what we did. Sometimes we would run around the city on our own and meet my aunt for lunch and at the end of the day. We also took the bus between NYC and NH on our own. One time I remember sitting in the back of the bus with my brother, and a guy talked to us all the way to Hartford, telling us about how he got beat up and mugged. He was drunk, and I didn't know what mugged meant, but I knew it wasn't good.

When I was 10 I also remember going to see a musical called "One Mo' Time" at the Village Vanguard. I didn't always follow the story, or the sexual innuendos, but I loved the music. After the show my aunt and uncle let us stay after and wait for the actors to come out and mingle in the club. I walked around to all of them and got their autographs. I was so excited!

Brisbane is such a small town by comparison to New York, and I wouldn't let a couple of 13 year olds run around here. But I don't know why they would want to run around here anyway. There isn't much to see. Well, maybe there is for a 13 year old; I don't know. I think I was spoiled having NYC as my summer camp. And I was spoiled having this cool group of adults taking care of me.

Thank You For Being an Actress Portraying a Friend

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 04:26:00 +0000

I am sure you are already well aware, but well, Bea Arthur has died. She was 86, and died of cancer. I have already watched a DVD of episodes from their first season, and now I am watching netball, trying to understand the rules and adjusting to the fact that they don't bounce the ball and they don't jump in front of the shooter.

I am a HUGE fan of the Golden Girls, and I think it is safe to say that I share this affection with MILLIONS of people, shameless and ashamed. My husband loves to tease me about it. But I think he likes the show. He just doesn't want to spend an afternoon eating cake and watching them. Why not? Doesn't that sound fun?

I am surprised at myself though. I am surprised that after all these years I continue to be a fan of a show that I have watched over and over and over. More than that, I am surprised that I am one of these people who is a fan of a tv show. I have met these people, and they usually freak me out. So, I am freaking people out, I am sure. How could I be unique from all the tv show-loving freaks, when I am a tv show-loving person?

Darcy recently bought the first series of Battlestar Galactica. Neither of us had seen it, but every guy I ever mention it to at work is a tv show-loving freak about it. We watched it and it was confusing at first, but we got the hang of it. It's pretty good. It is far more serious than the original, and has a cast of excellent actors, not to mention some really good effects. But now that we have finished watching the series it's done. I am not interested in seeing it again. Not like the Golden Girls.

I find the Golden Girls comforting. I like the idea that when I am older, if I am on my own, I can find friendship and have adventures and live in a nice house. I can also be attractive and interesting and get laid. Wahoo! I also think the writing on GG is top rate, full of wittiness and physical comedy, and the actresses are just perfect! Theatre trained, expert comic timing - I find new things in that show every time I watch it.

I guess I am weird for liking a show so much. But why try to be someone I am not? If a show about women finding friendship and happiness in their 50's and 60's is weird, then, well, well...

Dark and Sticky

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 23:29:00 +0000

That's Brisbane for you. We have been home a week, and a moist filmy coating has encased our lives ever since. We returned to hot temperatures and rainy conditions. The house smelled of mildew and had a definite layer of grime. Everything needed a clean, and piles of laundry needed to be washed and hung to dry. Naturally my thoughts returned to the last 3 months I had just had. They seemed like a dream that I had just awoken from, and the mundane routine of being a housewife in Australia had returned. I was not happy.

But I have since relaxed and reminded myself that this is a temporary domestic state, and my task is to find some fun in it. But darn this rain...with no car on hand, a rainy day in Brisbane is not necessarily full of fun. I have been reading (good), and watching daytime tv (bad). I have been going for walks (good) but having a drink almost every night (bad). I have been brushing my teeth (good) but forgetting to wear deodorant (bad for everyone else). I could go on, but you get the picture.

I did not have time to write over the month of March. My work schedule was too crazy, and then Darcy came over and any spare time was spent with him. I ended up working an additional week, and by the end of it all I was really beat, and we went visiting family before flying to LA for a day and then on to Brissy.

My time back East was great. The job got crazy at the end, a few people got on my nerves, etc. - the usual, but overall the time was wonderful. For the 2 people that were difficult, there were 20+ people that were fantastic, and I remember fondly. The company was totally cool, and very appreciative of my work.

And I got to spend time with my friends. How amazing was that? Yes - you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Those casual meetings for coffee, dinner, see a play - such a joy, such a privilege that these lovely people wanted to spend their free time with me. I was so fortunate to get to re-connect with people I have not seen for many years, and have some laughs and good conversations with them.

I also got to see my family. My mother, my little brothers, my grandma, an aunt and an uncle. I see them so rarely, and on this visit I saw them all at least twice. My mother came down to Boston a couple of times just to have dinner with me. It is starnge for me to have that ability. I am so used to living far away from relatives, it felt much more relaxed to be able to see them and have it just be a regular day, not a holiday.

I did not get to NYC unfortunately as I ran out of time, so that will have to happen the next time over, which I hope isn't too far away.

Life has become more difficult to manage in some ways as I have stretched the space between me and those that I love. But would it feel less complicated and stressful if I lived closer? Probably not. That's just how my mind operates, nice and stressful like.

Yesterday when we got up, I said to Darcy, let's pretend we are on holiday in Brisbane. We are both artists and on a creative retreat. We chose Brisbane because we don't know anyone here, so we are not distracted, and we can focus on our projects." He agreed to the little game, and we went down to the river and had breakfast, as if we were on vacation. The sun was out at that particular moment, so the little fantasy was easy to play along with.

but after walking around a little, Darcy remembered he had work to do, so we walked home, and then it started to rain again.

It has been raining every day since we got home, and it is supposed to rain another week. Okay then, time for home things. Last night I baked chocolate ganache which was so rich and chocolatey that I felt a little sick afterward. Darcy and I are watching "the Mighty Boosh" on my computer, which is starting to show its age but I can't afford a new one without another job. There have been a few walks into the city, one of which resulted in a blender so we can make smoothies. Tonight we are going to the movies to see "Knowing", a film I got to do some work on.

I have discovered that I like to work, and I want to find another job. If anyone has a job for me, please get in contact.

Here are some photos from my time in the USA:

Pretty gas lamps on Beacon Hill

Darcy and I after unsuccessfully trying to get into a pub to see a co-worker in his band.

Darcy and I on his second day in Boston, having cheese and wine in a nice restaurant.

Darcy watching ice skaters in Boston Common, courtesy of Margaret Ann Brady.

Darcy with the Gray-Barretts

Darcy swam in the fancy hotel pool where we stayed in LA. I did not pack my swimmers, hence my feet at the bottom of the photo

Darcy asked Diane and I to pose, so we did

Darcy and I went to the roller derby with a great woman I worked with in Boston and her husband. Roller Derby ROCKS!!!!

Sunday

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 15:53:00 +0000

It's Sunday and I have nothing to tell you. I don't feel like there is anything to tell you though I suppose there is always something to say. Well here, I'll say something.

Questions that have no concrete answers:

Why is there always someone in the workplace that absolutely gets on your nerves?

Why don't we tell each other when we smell bad, have bad breath, have something stuck on our teeth, etc?

Why do I believe that things will change by doing everything the same as always?

Why are healthy habits harder than unhealthy habits when healthy habits make you feel so much better?

Why do people dislike rain?

Can I go through a whole day without thinking something critical about myself?

For some reason, I get really annoyed and distracted by people in yoga class who make noisy yawns and exhales, like they are sighing. It's more than annoyance - I hate it! All through class, I am trying to be silent, focus on the moment, breathe evenly and deeply, and it sounds like everyone around me is waking up, or exasperated, or having an orgasm. It makes me think that they are inconsiderate of the people around them, these yogis, and that they are not giving their all to the practice. But yesterday I went to a class in which the teacher encouraged everyone to let out a big breath after each sequence, "let it out, whatever you are carrying, just let it go, blah blah blah" and all around me you'd think it was nap time. Meanwhile, I have sweat in my eyes and my legs are shaking with fatigue. I need to breathe just to keep it all going. Who has energy to sigh, I'd like to know? They need to do a few more Vinyasas.

I'm a serious person. I know you thought differently, that I was a light-spirited, happy-go-lucky sunny kind of chick, but I take things seriously. Maybe too seriously, some of you may say now. But maybe you also need to do a few more Vinyasas.

I wish I was more easy-going sometimes. Especially at work, where if I really have an aversion to someone, I can't even look them in the eye most of the time. But I feel the dislike, so I can't hide it, so I have to hide from them, so I don't make them feel bad. Though they probably already know. I don't like people who insult me or patronize me or add more stress to the atmosphere. That's reasonable, right? The difference is in how you handle it. I tell people to back off, or say to them I'll ask for help when I need it, thanks anyway, or sometimes I will just blurt out, "oh stop complaining, we always listen to your stoner rock." And I want to say more mean aggressive things to these people, like "if you aren't going to wear deodorant, bring a change of shirt. You smell so bad it's counterproductive!" or "There are lots of arrogant men of mediocre intelligence who spend all day in front of a computer, you are nothing special!"

I feel like maybe life would be a little more cruise-y if I didn't get so annoyed with people. And I think calming meditative things, like yoga, can aid in this. BUT NOT WHEN PEOPLE ARE SIGHING ALL AROUND ME!

Which leads me to wish that I was a more easy-going person by nature. But I have to learn to appreciate that I am not.

If I learn to know when to hold them and when to fold them, maybe my ability to get annoyed can help others. For example, if I had the nerve to say "Look, you smell, do something about it," maybe it would make the office a less smelly place, benefiting everyone at work, though it may make me an enemy to the person in question. And then I may have to experience repercussions, like he may say to me one day "Alicia, can you stop being such a bitch?" And then I would cry because I can't help being a bitch when all around me people are smelly and arrogant and won't shut up and won't stop sighing in yoga class! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm going to yoga class today. It's a free one-week trial for first timers at this studio, so who can complain?

Walking in Cambridge, Mass.

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 14:54:00 +0000

I have been working a lot and no longer have Internet where I am staying, so blog entries have not been a priority. I recently discovered though that if I hold my laptop to the windowsill of another person's bedroom, I can get a neighbor's Internet signal. I know it is stealing, but if the Internet is unlimited, then so what, right? Why don't I feel bad about this?

I won't bore you with work info, because it isn't exciting to tell you at all - I feel like these days the story is very much the same on the work front.

I did have an interesting experience recently though. I took a little walk around Cambridge, past Harvard Square, where all the big gorgeous houses are. I used to live in this neighborhood, for a brief period while i finished my last year of college and worked as a nanny for a busy couple. They worked a lot, and their kids missed them, but they were extremely kind and generous caring people. I loved their kids. It was very confusing for me, I ended up quitting the job but renting a room from them for my last year in Boston. It allowed me to be with them without feeling like I was going to abandon the kids when I finally left. I think if you care about people, being a nanny is a very confusing job.

Anyhoo, I was walking through these fancy neighborhoods and remembering all the walks and events and experiences I had while I was living here. I really loved living in Cambridge, but struggled financially and often felt lonely. When you are in your early twenties, you are lucky if you feel confident, and I mean truly confident. Sure you may know if people think you are good-looking, or funny or whatever, but do you actually believe in yourself? Do you like who you are, do you have any clue who that is? Do you value yourself beyond the approval others give you? I certainly did not. I was trying though. I still try, but I don't have to try so hard. Most of the time. Remembering how confused, excited and uncertain I was about everything back then as I walked through the area gave me a bittersweet feeling, because even though I had all of these feelings back then, and I wasn't necessarily happy, I had a sense of the fact that so much more of life was coming, and I wanted it to be good. And I did manage to have a lot of fun and be creative. It made me want to experience it all over again, the good and the bad moments, to have that sense of excitement that at times these days I think has deserted me.

Then I became a little sad and teary-eyed, and I was starting to lose sensation in my toes and fingers because it was so cold. But just to be walking through these beautiful tree-lined streets, in a biting air that made me aware of my environment, brought on a profound sense of gratitude, for everything - for the fact that I can walk here, that I have this time for myself, that it is peaceful, that I have had so many varied and wonderful experiences that I have tried my best to learn and grow from. It also made me feel lucky to have what I have now, so many good people in my life, a good husband, a good career, and I still feel healthy and young. Life will continue to unfold in different and unexpected ways, and I will do my best to appreciate and roll with it.

Cambridge is so rich! Just one beautiful house after another and another. When I was in my early twenties, living here, a friend of mine and I used to get stoned and walk around here, in the summer evenings, when trees and flowers were at their peaks and everything smelled gorgeous and swayed in the breeze. We used to look into people's windows and talk about these people's lives with envy and a certain level of bitterness. We could never imagine having lives that would afford us houses like these, or cars, or houses on Cape Cod, or any of the luxuries or apparent ease that these people had. We resented that these people had these things and we did not. We would often say that we didn't think they deserved to have so much when others had so little. But deep down, we wanted this good life too. We wanted to have these homes and cushy lives, we just didn't want them to have it. Walking around this last time, I felt differently. I don't want this life I am seeing in Cambridge, but I do want to have a good life. And I want these people to have a good life - I don't want to take it from them. I want everyone I know to have a good life - I want people everywhere to have a good life. But now I know that a good life can look more than one way.

I suppose Cambridge is a lovely place to walk.

Most Recently During My Time Here

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 03:06:00 +0000

Today we watched Obama's Inauguration in the kitchen at work. We were all quiet. We were all happy about it. And then we went back to work. It doesn't feel real yet. The other guy is really out of office. How weird it must be for him. How unreal it must be for Obama. I am guessing by this hour he is pretty tired and looking forward to getting some sleep. Tomorrow begins another busy day.

This past weekend I went to visit my Grandma. She lives 2 hours north of Boston by bus. I took a bus that takes you to her town, then further up to Hanover and then Lebanon. I got on the bus with 4 other people early Saturday morning. It was below zero Fahrenheit outside. The bus drops you off at a Park and Ride station off the highway. My Aunt Angela was supposed to pick me up, but she wasn't there yet when I arrived. The bus driver was so nice. He said he would wait until she got there, because he didn't want me to be standing outside in the cold. But she arrived almost as soon as he said that. That was so kind of him though!

My grandma is 94 years old. But she is lucid and still lives by herself. There are quite a few things she can't do for herself anymore, but most things she can. She even drives, though I think it's time for that to stop. She has to get her license renewed in April; we'll see how that goes.

Angela was there for the long holiday weekend and I was only there for the night. I had to work on the holiday.

That Saturday at my grandma's was absolutely freezing out so we stayed inside. The next day however, we woke up to at least 6 inches of snow, and still snowing. Angela and I shoveled some. Ah shoveling! I have done it a few times since I have been here. Good exercise. But questionable fun. I suppose I don't mind really. I don't have to do it ever in the rest of my life.

Well, we had many cups of tea and chats about this and that and then I got back on the bus. It was a slow snowy journey back to Boston, as the highways had not really been cleared of snow - it was more that the cars pushed it aside to form tire lanes. The bus back had more passengers than coming up, but I still got my own seat. This bus gave out free water and pretzels and played a movie. On the way up it was Mama Mia (I have seen this movies 3 times now - that is enough). On the way down was Roman Holiday. That is a great film! I watched it but without sound. Mostly I looked out the window, my favorite pastime on the bus. It was stunning outside. Everything was coated in snow, soft and intimate looking.

Here in Boston I am in the familiar role of work fiend. The hours have been long, and there are a couple of guys that I have discovered I would prefer not to have to sit near. Next week I will trade seats with someone though, so hopefully that will help things.

I am staying not far from Coolidge Corner, which is a pretty sweet little area to live near. There are shops and restaurants and a bookshop that is open until 11. I have a terrible sense of direction however, so finding my way back to the house has been a challenge. Last night one of the compositors that was living here moved out, and he asked me to help him bring some stuff to his apartment. We walked, though it was perhaps a little too far to walk considering what we were carrying. It was pretty late for me too. When we got to his place it was almost 11:30, so I promptly turned around and headed back. But of course in trying to retrace my steps, I got lost.

I sometimes have a dream in which it is the middle of the night and I am all alone in a city that is strange yet familiar, and I have to wander deserted streets to get home. It is a scary dream, one that sometimes wakes me up. And last night I realized that I was actually living that dream, and it panicked me a little, which made my sense of direction even worse. I finally got my wits about me though, and made it home.

Tonight I went back to Coolidge Corner and walked home, trying to see if I could find my way this time. I did pretty easily, which was good, because it was getting increasingly cold, and I had to pee.

I passed by these two little trees that still had their leaves. The leaves were brown and shriveled, but firmly attached to the trees, and the wind rattled them, making them sound like percussion instruments. It seemed like these sturdy leaves blowing in the cold should have provided some sort of metaphor for what I have been experiencing in my life, but they didn't. I guess I just liked them.

Eating Alone

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 01:40:00 +0000

I have 3 more nights at the nice hotel, and then I move into a house with some other compositors I am working with. The house is in Longwood, very close to work, but in a tree lined street neighborhood, full of big houses. But for now I am still in the nice hotel.

It's been really good but expensive. Without a kitchen, I have to eat out for every meal. I also have had a real hassle doing laundry. Hotels are fun in the short-term, but unless you are a rock star, hotel living can be a drain on your resources.

Just the same, it is incredibly nice to come back to a room every day, full of clean towels and a bed that has been made, full of more pillows than I would ever need, even after a surgery.

Tonight I came home to such a nice room, but I was hungry. What to do?

I don't think it would be any surprise to you if I told you that I am feeling lonely. I am not good at putting on a smile when I don't feel it. I always feel lonely when I travel away and work. It's hard not to. I am alone most of the time. Even though I know some people here. I have seen some of them, but not much. People are busy, you know. You went away and their lives keep moving ever forward. People get used to you not being around, so when you are there, their lives do not change for you. And why should they? You're the one that left. It is all very natural, even if it is also a little sad at times.

What would have happened if I had stayed in Boston, if I had never left? I will never know. There is a good chance I would not be living this kind of life. I don't know if it would be better or worse. But there is no point in pondering these things anyway - I did leave, and everything else that followed has brought me back for these couple of months.

Anyway, tonight in my loneliness and hunger, I was going to stay in my room and spend an exorbitant amount of money on room service bringing me a salad. But then I thought, why not just go downstairs and eat in their dining room by yourself and pay half the price for the same thing?

So, I went downstairs to the hotel dining room. It is part of the foyer entrance. There is a huge chandelier there. No guests were there. I went over to a table and sat down.

I sat down by the piano player. He was playing a medley of contemporary and retro pop songs. Only I, the Concierge and Receptionist were around to appreciate it. I ordered a glass of wine, and sat back and admired the chandelier.

Just me and the staff. It is a quiet hotel.

I have ordered room service a few times in the past, always delivered by a nice woman. She told me that the hotel is slow, and everyone on staff is part time now, so they no longer get the hours and benefits they used to have.

I told her I was sorry to hear it. She told me she can't pay her mortgage.

But then she told me that she was grateful that they only cut her hours instead of laying her off. "We are very lucky that we still have jobs. Thank you for staying here," she said.

I usually feel really awkward when I eat alone in restaurants. I don't really like to read when I eat dinner, so I just look around, and eventually stare into space, thinking about this and that.

I really enjoyed it tonight though. I was totally digging the piano player's repertoire.

How great would it be to have your evenings accompanied by piano music? I was admiring that the guy could play. I wonder if pianists feel lucky that if they are bored they can always entertain themselves with playing music. Maybe they don't think of their ability to play as a gift. Who knows?

I walk by the piano player every night when I come back to the hotel. I usually just pass him by, and get into an elevator. I was glad that I came back downstairs and heard him play. Thank you piano player, for playing James Taylor, the Bee Gees, the Carpenters, and Gwen Stefani. But I think you can stop playing the Christmas songs now.

I ate a Cobb Salad. No chicken. I also had a glass of Pinot Noir. It was marvelous.

To The MFA

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 02:49:00 +0000

Today was one of those freak days in winter when it is 60˚F after being really cold. It was also overcast and a little moist - just gorgeous! ha. Anyway, with the snow all melted away and nothing else to do, I decided the time was right for me to go visit the Museum of Fine Arts.

I walked up Columbus, which has gone upscale, to Mass Ave and then over and up through the Victory Gardens, one of my favorite places in Boston. Of course since it is winter, everything is brown and no one is weeding or sitting on their little garden bench chatting with friends, but the Victory Gardens are still beautiful. I saw Bluejays and Cardinals - I have not seen these birds for a few years. They are still pretty.

The MFA is now 17 dollars to get in. Jeez. It made me feel a little old. As a college student, I went there all the time because I didn't have to pay anything, and they a a great collection. I also used to use their library for research when I had to write a paper. It used to be an escape for me, going there, looking at the Homers and Hoppers and Buddahs. And it was quiet. Today was a Sunday, after Christmas, so it was busy. Noisy and full of kids running around. I was annoyed but then I thought, well, art is meant to be enjoyed, right? It doesn't have to be a somber experience.

I went to my favorite places - the American painting from the 17th and 18th centuries, the Flemish Hall and the Medieval painting and sculpture. I also went back to that nice Spanish Chapel space. They also have some great Edward Hopper paintings. But they also had a great exhibit of photographs by Yousef Karsh, portraits of Winston Churchill, Fidel Castro, and other famous people. They were just fantastic.

After the MFA I walked back to my hotel room. Later I had dinner with my friend Dot. We had fondue. I really liked it but we ate too much and now I don't feel so good.

so sweet

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 02:40:00 +0000

I went to college with the woman on the left. Though the time was brief, she left an impression. She does fantastic pieces on her own personal blog as well as a few others. I think she and her girlfriend are pretty darn cute.

It's Good He Ain't Here Today

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 22:01:00 +0000

I don't think my husband would like to be in Boston today. It started out chilly with snow, then it got warmer and the snow got wetter and heavier, then it was a mixture of snow and rain, and now it is colder and feels a bit like freezing rain, or hail, with a strong wind. I was running around in it and it doesn't feel good. And there is Christmas music EVERYWHERE! AHHHHHHHHH!!!

It All Happened So Fast

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 01:22:00 +0000

I am in Boston now, for an uncertain amount of time - probably until the end of February.

It happened a week ago Tuesday. I applied for a job in Boston, they contacted me, asked me to come ASAP, and 6 days later I was on my way. I arrived here Tuesday afternoon, started work Wednesday morning, and I hope by the end of the weekend I will be adjusted to the time zone.

So far it's been great, and even if it goes down hill from here, that's okay - the experience so far makes it all worth while.

For one thing, it has been COLD. The temps have been in the 20's (-7˚C and up), and then yesterday and today it was snowing. For me, it's fantastic! In Brisbane it had been in the 90's (30˚C and up) with 100% humidity. I HATE that weather. I hate it in a city, anyway.

Since I am here, it is also an opportunity to visit my family. I didn't know if I would be able to afford it otherwise in any near future.

It is really nice to be in Boston, I must say. I left here 14 years ago. It has changed but then again it hasn't in more ways. Walking up and down the streets, going the same routes I used to go, seeing a few trusty shops and restaurants, and seeing the Public Library, and Christian Science Headquarters and various old churches and snooty hotels - these things feel almost like friends, reliable and faithful, always there as you walk by. But I don't feel like I am in a timewarp, sucked into the past and regressing into my 20's. I feel good. I have a job! I am not totally broke! I am staying in a nice hotel, courtesy of my job! I am not an angry young woman anymore. And even though I am not the young hottie I once was, I feel a lot better about myself now. And I am married, though we don't seem to be able see each other much because of this work/live thing.

I am having some interesting observations being back in the US. For one thing, people are really polite here - it was arresting at first. The exception, however, is Trader Joe's. The people who work in the shop on Boylston I found to be a little less than friendly. It is a sharp contrast to the people who work at TJ's in Los Angeles. Those people are on happy juice - they made grocery shopping one of my favorite things to do.

Another thing, we have a lot of stuff, and it is cheap. I know I have arrived at Christmastime during a recession, but we really have a lot of shit for sale and everything around us encourages us to buy it at all costs. We are also given a lot to eat when we order something.

There are also a lot of homeless people in Boston; I forgot how many. I guess winter is not the best season for a lot of people.

But it is very nice to be around all these friendly people who think it's cool that I live in Australia and are positive. I feel like I can relax a little, like I am not being judged. Maybe I am being judged, but no one is saying anything.

I wish my husband was here with me. I would love to show him the beauty of this city covered in snow, and watch people marvel at his accent and ask him all kinds of funny questions about Australia.

Last night was the company Christmas party, and I was amazed that after 2 days I felt comfortable hanging out and chatting with my co-workers. There are quite a few people here my age and older, but the women are all younger. There is a really cool chick here who is young, she is from Finland and she is here because her husband is getting his PhD at MIT. She said to me that she was so impressed when I came on board, it gave her hope to see a woman, "really doing it, you know, really working in the business." I wanted to tell her that it was a hard business, and I find it discouraging that after all these years I still see the same amount of women working int his industry, and that it hasn't been all rosy. But she was happy, and I was enjoying myself. The fire was going, outside it was snowing, and they had Bing Crosby playing. Everyone was dressed in their hipster/grunge/winter sensible gear, and drinking good microbrew. I could smell the wood and laugh at all the good humored people around me, and felt that the chance to come home for awhile was a great gift.

good old brissy

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 07:32:00 +0000

It's stinking sweaty head foggy hot. The economy is not what it once was, and I don't have any work on the way as of yet. Darcy and I are hanging around the house, and he is tying up loose ends and doing what work he can before everyone shuts down for Chrissy.

A lot of things have happened this past month. But I have been too hot to spend a lot of time on the computer, and for about 10 days we had no internet so this entry will try to make up for a bit of time.

It was weird not to have the internet. In addition to it being the main way Darcy and I communicate with people for work, I realized it has also become our main tool for distraction throughout the day, reading BBC and NYTimes and blogs and VFX stuff, as well as window shopping. Without it, I felt lost the first few days. But then it was good. I read more, and was more productive. I listened to the radio. I have found a station that plays oldies, but from the 60's and 70's. I can sing along, and spend all day in some sort of weird time warp, re-living little events throughout my childhood in Manchester NH while Crosby Stills Nash and Young or Fleetwood Mac plays in the background. I can't listen to it all day; first it's fun but then it gets too weird.

We went to the Cricket. Australia vs. New Zealand. It was my second time attending a Cricket match. The first time was last year, when India was here playing Australia. That was a heated time, with India's star player accused of making racial remarks towards a black Australian player. Australia wanted him to be dismissed, India threatened to leave and cut the season short, and as a result the final match was tense and full of angry crowds.

I can't remember the rules exactly; they are different depending on whether the game is a one day match or a 5 day match. In either case the game starts at 10 and ends at 5 or 6pm; there is a tea break mid morning and an hour lunch break and then another tea break in the afternoon.

Contrary to baseball, tickets on the ground level are the cheapest, and the crowd is rowdy. People will spend the whole day at the cricket, and many drink beer from the time they arrive until they leave. As a result, by about 2pm, the crowd turns a little ugly and aggressive from all the drinking, and inevitably fights break out, and people streak across the field. In the game against India, The crowds were divided along racial lines, and we sat surrounded by Aussies on either side and behind, and a group of Indian people about 5 rows in front. One of the girls was waving an Indian flag. It obscured the view of a lot of people, and by the evening those people were not happy. They started yelling at the girl to put the flag down, which made her angry and more determined to wave it. Then a man in front of us reached over and tried to pull her flag down. It almost started a fight. Then, later on, when an Australian batter got out, a big fat white Aussie turned to the Indian crowd with big wild eyes and screamed "YOU'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING CHEATERS!" and threw beer on them. When they turned around to yell at him, he got up and started that whole "you wanna go?" kind of thing. The police are everywhere at cricket matches, and by the late afternoon they are throwing people out.

This last time we went, it was Day 2 of the match, and New Zealand wasn't even at bat the whole day (that is not good). Australia are the better team, so it is not much to watch, unless you just want to see Australia win regardless of the competition. Darcy had a good time. He really likes Cricket. I think I don't mind it in a live setting, before the crowd gets drunk.

We've had mad storms. 2 weeks back, they were so fierce that they blew people's roofs off, destroyed people's homes, and even killed some people. We were very lucky here on the south side of the city - all that stuff happened on the north side. I was sitting alone in the house when the first one struck. No one in the news said it was going to be so bad. It came in and rained pretty hard. Then the wind started whipping through. The thunder and lightning felt like it was circling me, ready to go in for the kill. The whole house started shaking. I had to lock down all the windows and doors and then I couldn't see out the window from all the rain. It went on like this for an hour, then tapered off. It happened again the next day and then the next and then the next. Now we are back to the standard afternoon thunderstorm to break the heat. But the people who have lost their homes - I really feel for them. That is no quick recovery.

I left this post too long. I can't remember anything.

hmmm...

I've been walking around the river. The river is one of the big selling features of Brisbane, which is funny because it is brown and murky and full of bull sharks. You can't swim in it and at low tide if you are near its mangroves it smells a little. But people who have a home on the river are millionaires at least. Everyone wants to be near the river. To be honest, if I had a million dollars to spend on a home, I can think of a few other places I would rather have a house. But it's not as simple as that, I guess. You have to be somewhere you can work, maybe you grew up here and want to be near family, maybe you love muddy river life and would rather be here than on the beach somewhere. If I had a million bucks I think I'd buy a home somewhere else though.

But the river is still good. People rock climb its cliffs, boat around it if they have a boat. Some people live on boats in the river. One day I took some photos so you could have some sense of the city via the river:

here is the muddy water.

here are boats that people live on.

here I am crossing from south side to north side on the pedestrian bridge.

here I am crossing at the other end of the CBD back to the south side, in the late afternoon.

On the north side of the pedestrian bridge there is the Brisbane Botanical Gardens. I say "is" and not "are" because despite the fact that there are gardens it is just one park. It's a nice park, full of pretty trees and some flowers. When we first moved here, it was all green and great. Now there is a brown patch in it though, because Darcy and a bunch of other guys play soccer on it:He has fun.

Last Tuesday I said "AHHH! It is too hot! Let's rent a van and go up to the beach!" We rented a van, put our tent and surfboard in it and got on the road. Then it started to rain. Then the radio said severe storms were on the way. The the rain was so heavy it was hard to see. So we decided to turn around and go home. We stopped at a grocery store to buy some groceries. We got back to the van, and Darcy had accidentally left the lights on, so the battery was dead. We had to call someone to come and start us up, because no one around us in the parking lot had jumper cables. It cost us 90 dollars. We finally got home, and by 10pm were sitting on the couch, tired and hot, watching tv. I guess for now we just have to deal with it.

Hooray!

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 02:11:00 +0000

I was in a van which we had rented, driving down the highway towards Kempsey, a smallish town where Darcy is from, to visit Darcy's parents, when Obama was declared the next President of the United States. It overwhelmed me, and I surprised myself by bursting into tears.

I did not want him to win in the Primary, as a few of you know and were probably not happy about. But when he became the nominee I supported him. Though I think John McCain is a good Senator and believe that most of the time he works for issues with the best intentions, he threw all self respect and integrity out the window when he made the rash decision to invite that ignorant mean-spirited woman to join the ticket. And then he said things that I don't think he even believed about Obama. And he also didn't have any ideas about what he would do if elected. And he was representing the Republican Party, which I don't think has been his friend much in the past. But his VP pick said a lot to me about how he may make decisions in the future, deciding to have her on board. I shiver to imagine her working in my office, or being on a PTA board, never mind make decisions that affect the whole world. I am a boring voter anyway - there was no way IN HELL I would have considered voting Republican. No need to waste your campaign dollars calling me up.

Anyway, Darcy was happy along with me about the election, and bought a bottle of champagne for us to toast when we got to his parents house. (I love Darcy!) His family toasted with me, which I thought was very thoughtful and hospitable. They weren't necessarily happy though. His father watches Fox News, for some reason, and as a result is rather obsessed with US politics. And, because he is conservative himself, being an old farmer who had a tough life, the river of poison that flows from the maniacal mouths of Fox commentators is very persuasive to him. He thinks McCain should have won, and likes Sarah Palin. I didn't ask why. I was too tired to listen, and to be honest, I didn't care. Eight years of selfish, oppressive, violent leadership with the Bible supposedly being the guiding hand is enough for me. I'd like a few moments in the sun. I think most Australians are happy about Obama anyway. I feel positive, and I hope he gets some good people around him and the safety and finances of people everywhere improves.

I wanted more than anything to be home after hearing the good news, but a plane ticket is just toooooo expensive right now, and I have no job on the horizon. I will just have to be happy here, and eat hamburgers.

This morning, I cut a cantaloupe (rockmelon) in half and was eating one half by scooping the pulp out with a spoon. Darcy came into the kitchen and saw me eating it this way and said, "aw, another peculiar 'Alicia' way of eating something." They don't eat cantaloupe in Australia that way. Weird, huh? They just cut it in slices. That's fine too, but live a little, eh?

The trip to visit the husband's parents was good. We saw all but one of his siblings, and we hung out with his two nieces and nephew - cute little tykes. We also went to the beach quite a bit, and I attempted to surf, after not being on the board for at least a year.

It was really weird because I suddenly became fearful of the waves, which I thought I had conquered some time ago. I was paddling out, constantly getting smacked back by the waves, and a few times a big one would promise to dump on top of me and my heart would just stop. Needless to say, I wiped out more than anything else. I did get up once and ride a bit but then I fell in shallow water and scraped my knee. Ouch. I have to work through that wave fear thing again. Hopefully we will get in the water enough this summer for that to happen.

But I also went swimming a lot, and when I don't have a 9 foot fibreglass board to deal with, the waves seem less daunting.

We drove around quite a bit, and since the van was a manual, I was the passenger. It gave me lots of time to think, which in my case is not a good thing, most of the time. I freak myself out pretty easy. Hearing the election on the radio in the van, driving through cattle country in New South Wales, gave me a moment of feeling alien, then I started thinking, "how did I get myself here? what am I doing in this place? I am a shy person, how did I even manage to meet this outgoing man, never mind marry him. How did I move myself to the other side of the planet?" Then we were at Darcy's parents, toasting Obama, then having a barbie with all of his family, and for a moment I looked around and thought, how did I get myself connected to all of these people? We are now part of the same family?" I don't mean it in a bad way. I just mean, of all the people in the world, now I am connected to an Australian farming family. I could never have predicted it.

It is strange sometimes. All the people in your life, how you meet them, why they stick, what those relationships lead you to do.

I think that is something I admire about Obama. You learn about the people in his life, his experience, and how it has brought him to be who and where he is. It is inspiring.

I hope the only thing we may know of Sarah Palin in a year's time is that she has a terrible show on Fox, consequently provides lots of material for The Daily Show, and decided not to force her daughter to marry her *%@*#! redneck boyfriend.

President OBAMA. Isn't that amazing?

Job Done

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 06:59:00 +0000

I finished a job yesterday, working on the film "Australia". The film is huge, with 6 post houses doing effects. It has to make its delivery date, and be in the theatres next month. Needless to say, we all worked very hard. But we got it done. I think the film will be good.

I worked with a nice crew - it may be the nicest group yet. And our client - holy cow, you never met a nicer, or better, vfx supervisor. So personable and calm and practical. He would fly up every Friday from Sydney and spend the day with us, supervising. He remembered all of our names and was friendly and funny. We all loved him.

I ate Kangaroo for the first time on this project. One of the artists bought some to cook on the barbecue at work for lunch. He let me try some. It is good. It doesn't taste like any other animal, so I can't really describe it beyond it tastes good. I feel funny adding another animal to the list of what I eat, so if I start to eat it from now on, I will give up eating beef.

I also got my first speeding ticket. I was listening to Alice Cooper, it was late, and I was driving home on the highway, not paying attention. I got caught by a speed camera. I am still waiting to receive the ticket. I hope I don't get deported.

I voted, so don't worry all you people who were concerned that I wasn't going to vote. OF COURSE I was going to vote! I can't wait for the election to be over. A year and a half is a bit long to run for a 4 year position. I never noticed until I left the country.

That's all for now. I had plans to do lots of fun things today, but I ended up hanging out and drinking Pernod. I also went for a nice walk. It is HOT now.

Alice In Underland

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 03:16:00 +0000

Jobs always feel like they start a new phase in life. Like somehow with the new job you will be changed, maybe start new habits, get rid of old ones, make new friends. The weather feels like that too. A few weekends ago when I was in Sydney, I was hanging out with my friend Susse, looking in shops, walking around the city, and it was the first day that really felt like Spring, like something burst through. It was warm and balmy and it brought everyone outside. Susse and I were having fun, walking around and talking. The weather seemed to open us up and shift our thinking. It was a day that made you think, "everything is going to be different from now on."

Well, I am in Brisbane, it is hot. I am working at another job and it is different from the last one in some ways. My thinking has shifted, but I have yet to decide if I am in a new phase. In some ways I am just going around and around.

Another FX job, another movie, a company I have worked for before. A tight deadline, less than optimum conditions, a sense of panic lurking around, jumping up from behind when you get too relaxed.

It is a little different though. This is the first company I ever worked for in Australia. I worked here when I first met my husband. At the time I was working with about 40-50 people. The equipment was all new, the job was organized, and long. Now the equipment is slow. I am working with about 12 people, and it is a little less organized. I have arrived after the hey day of this company, and they are always hard up to find good people when they do have projects because the facility is located in the middle of nowhere. It is off the highway in a place that could be described the same way that so many other places you don't notice on the highway as you pass them by can be described.

I will always like this place though. It has a homey feeling that no other place has, and the people that work here are exceptionally nice. There is no pretension here, and there are a couple of people here that I worked with from the very first job I did in Australia, so it may not be the best place, but it is still a special place.

I don't think everyone shares that feeling with me on this current project. But to be fair I have only been back from Sydney for a week whereas these people have all flown over from Europe and spent the last 2-3 months here, a place that must feel like the last fx outpost at the end of the world.

I am always fascinated by what brings people to where they end up. Especially here. What brings a Spaniard who lives in London and works at the best FX houses in the world over to work in a small dark building at the back of a movie lot that is quiet and far away from anything you need?

"I was working on Prince Caspian and was burned out. I went to India for 4 months and came back to London and got the call. I thought it would be good, I have never been to Australia, and it was a short contract." This particular person from London/Barcelona had only arrived the day before and when I asked him how he was feeling, he said in his Spanish accent, "I feel funny, like I am floating." Another person came from London via Romania where she had finished a project, and thought it would be good to see a part of Oz she hadn't seen yet (she is not enjoying her time on the side of the highway, sadly). They and others I have met in the film world seem to travel all the time and enjoy it; this job enables them to see the world (well, see some of it). After awhile they cease to be lonely in this lifestyle because they end up working with people they worked with in a different city and/or country, and they will socialize and travel with these people after the job finishes.

I know I am focused on this work thing, but I do find it very interesting. I find myself admiring a lot of the people I meet through this work - so independent. And you would have to be fairly social and easy with different kinds of people to travel so much, and work such long hours. And to not get freaked out by traveling on a plane for 12 hours, then arriving jet-lagged and starting work in a strange company on the other side of the world. In some ways it sounds romantic, and other ways I find it just strange and alienating.

I am commuting to this place down the highway in a rented car, 40 minutes one way. It is a boring drive. But now I have discovered a radio show on the drive home: Late Nights With Alice Cooper. Yeah! Rocktober lives on! Two for Tuesdays! Three for Thursdays!

When I was 3-4 years old, I remember my father watching Alice Cooper on TV, he was in some TV movies or something. My brother would watch as well, and he was only a year older than I. I was scared, but I didn't want to be left out, so I would watch the shows too. They scared me to bits!!! Alice Cooper would wear a skeleton bodysuit and swing a tomahawk around, singing his creepy songs. My mother had a friend that I always thought looked like Alice Cooper, because he had long black hair and big eyes. I was afraid that he was Alice Cooper in disguise and had come over to scare me because he knew I was scared of him. Poor Vito! Coming to visit his friends only to have their little girl scream and run and hide until he had left. I would even gear myself up for his visits, telling myself, "don't be scared, it's not Alice Cooper, he's mom's friend, it's Vito, make mom happy, be nice and stay." But as soon as Vito said hello, I would fall apart, convinced it was Alice Cooper.

I saw Vito about 10 years ago when I was an adult. I went to see him and his girlfriend perform in NYC -he, like Alice Cooper, is a musician. But they have very different styles, and Vito is not scary at all. He is a warm and lovely man.

Anyway, Alice Cooper rocks!!! His show is great. He has such good taste in rock, and has good themes. One night he explored songs that came out the same year with the same name, like "Hey You" by Pink Floyd and Bachman Turner Overdrive. He also knows things like The Animals are from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. He has a good sense of humor and isn't scary at all. If you like your rock you will like his show. I didn't think I would appreciate Slade until I heard their version of Janis Joplin's "Move Over" courtesy of Alice Cooper. I would not have even known about his radio show if I wasn't driving everyday back and forth from this FX out post at the end of the world, off the side of the highway.

Reasons To Be Cheerful

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 21:44:00 +0000

While staring at a monitor, having a meeting about the image displayed, and listening to my lead talk about something, a strong voice penetrated the fog in my brain. With short sharp bursts, it said "QUIT YOUR JOB, QUIT YOUR JOB, QUIT YOUR JOB". To which I replied, "are you insane? I need this job, haven't had one in months, need money so badly, finally got a good movie with the best company in Oz, I'm not going." Yet, throughout the day, and the days that followed, the voice persisted in its short sharp bursts: "QUIT YOUR JOB, QUIT YOUR JOB, NO MISTAKE, YOU WILL BE FINE, STOP BEING SCARED, TIME TO CHANGE, QUIT YOUR JOB..."

To be honest, despite the good job, good people, and good experience, I was very unhappy. I was even more unhappy than the last time I took a long-term job in Sydney. Here I was again, alone, living in an expensive share, sleeping in a crappy noisy room that had bright lights shining in it all night from the street, and working in a sea of guys, younger and single. I realized that I am now part of a migrant labor force, going wherever the work is, despite my relationship and my health. And I have decided that it is wrong, and I won't do it anymore. Well, at least not for more than 3 months. I was supposed to be in Sydney until the end of January, but I left last Friday. And now I am back in Brisbane, with Darcy, in our hot little house full of lamps, and I feel a lot better about life.

It was pretty hard to decide to quit. I almost didn't do it. The fact is I like my work, but I like it when I work 8 hours a day, and go home at the end of it. I also like it when I have people I like there to work with that I can talk to. I also like it when I know at the end of the day, I will get to see my husband. After much contemplation, I finally said to Darcy, "I am thinking I should quit my job. Would you like it if I did?" He replied, "Yes, I would love it." So I did. I was offered more money to stay, and Darcy said to me that he wanted me home, and I decided that was more important, in the end. Why else am I married?

I did like the people I was working with, but the fact is I am becoming an old lady in my field. I no longer am working with my peers. Most people my age have now moved up to a more supervisory or management position (no thanks), or they have started their own companies (crazy), or if they are women, they have had babies and have stopped working in the field or have moved into office jobs, like recruiting (not creative!!!). Now I am working with people who are in their mid-twenties to early thirties, single with a girlfriend/boyfriend here and there, who tend to date people they work with because we work so much. Everyone was great, very skilled and friendly, but the social dynamics have really changed for me now that I am older and married, and I don't drink as much as I used to. I don't want to and I simply can't anyway!

But toward the end of my time I did meet a few really cool people that I know I will see again, and we will be friends. Mainly, a woman who is 2 years younger than me, but is marrying a guy she works with who is 9 years younger than she is. She has done many things before being a compositor, and is really smart. I dug her. I also met a guy who is dating a girl from MY HOME TOWN, and is a friend of my little brother. That is nothing short of weird weird weird!

Both of these people are inspiring , motivating individuals. They made me realize that if I want to do something, I should just do it. And they both said as much to me. It is fantastic to meet people like that.

There were other things that I appreciated during my stay in Sydney, like the people who worked at the cafe on the lot, always happy, so calm and friendly anytime of day, and the cafe I would have breakfast in on the weekends, small and inviting and chatty, calling everyone "darl" (doll).

Also, I managed to kick the coffee habit. It took a couple of weeks, and a LOT of green tea at first, but now I am free. In the morning, no matter how tired I am or if I had a beer too many, I wake up and feel alive, which I didn't feel before. It is great.

I luckily have a month of work up here, and then I don't know what. But it will all be fine. I am happy to be home, Darcy is happy I am home, and we both think there are new and better things to come.

little things

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 22:33:00 +0000

this morning my flatmate greeted me with a cup of coffee. She had been waiting for me to come into the kitchen so she could give it to me. That small, warm gesture has made a huge difference in my day. Such a sweetie!

not much to say

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 07:52:00 +0000

I have been in Sydney for 2 weeks now. I haven't much to tell. I have been going to work and coming home, and trying to get used to it all.

One thing I have learned is that you don't have to speak English to be a nerd. There are people from all around the world working at my job, talking about computer things and being socially awkward with females. In French.

The Adventure Continues

noreply@blogger.com (acaguilera) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 10:57:00 +0000

I have just completed week one of my new stint in Sydney, a 7 month stint, as a digital artist for a big company, the largest post house I have ever worked in. Presently they are employing 260 people approximately, and by the end of the job they predict the staff will have swelled to 600. It's a nice enough place, probably better than the others in terms of looking after their staff. They have given me time and resources to train in the new compositing software that they want me to use. The team I am working with are friendly and helpful. Everyone is welcoming and supportive. The kitchen is stocked with breakfast cereal, coffee, tea and juice. On the kitchen table everyday are loaves of bread and one of those conveyor belt toasters, and mountains of oranges and apples and bananas. On Friday morning I went into the kitchen to find 3 large boxes filled with plain, chocolate and almond croissants. I ate toast and a banana - I am determined to eat better. Friday afternoon they had a staff meeting to greet all the new people, and have drinks. I have been feeling strangely sniffly since arriving in Sydney, so I didn't stick around for drinks, though I suppose it would have been an opportunity to meet people. I'll meet them. There's time. I have already met a few people, and am also working with people that I know from previous jobs. It is a very small world here in the Australian effects world; you know everyone quickly. This place is so busy, however, that they have a lot of people from overseas working here, mostly from London. There is a guy working near me who speaks Spanish and French with equal fluency and with a native accent. His English is fluent as well, but with a frenchy/spanishy accent. I am working with a German guy who came from London and signed a 2 year contract with this company. He had never been to Australia before, just decided it was time for a change and he and his Japanese wife came here, took the plunge.

I am living in the same complex of buildings that I lived in for the last film I did in Sydney. This time I am living with a guy I have worked with before, and his girlfriend. They are 24 and into video games. They are incredibly nice people, but the video game thing is so not how I spend my time that I feel old and weird. I just need time to adjust, but for the moment it makes me feel old.

I miss Darcy a lot. I miss being in my own home. This nomadic special effects life is weird. I am tired of it.

At work I am learning a new software and working on the big Hollywood action disaster movie. I am starting to get into the new software, starting to appreciate how it is organized and what it can do. I am starting to look forward to getting some juicy shots to put together. I don't know if the movie will be good. The effects will be good. The movie will be big.

I don't have money but I want to go home next weekend.

This weekend I saw my friends Jarrod and Susse for dinner. I stayed with them a few times in the past, and now they have a cute little baby boy named Felix. I went to their house and met the little tyke who is now 2 months old. He slept for most of the visit, but he was pretty sweet to meet.

I have often thought to myself, if I have ever have a baby girl, I want to name it Rocket. I think it is a great name for a kid. I have told many friends this and they have warned me that it is a strange name for a kid. So, I ended up naming my car Rocket, sad that it would not be the name of my kid.

Jarrod and Susse have named their son Felix ROCKET Linton!!!!

I could not believe what I was hearing.

I asked them, "why did you give Felix the middle name of Rocket?"

They said "because we think Rocket is a great name."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It made me so happy to hear them say that.