Sunday

It's Sunday and I have nothing to tell you. I don't feel like there is anything to tell you though I suppose there is always something to say. Well here, I'll say something.

Questions that have no concrete answers:

Why is there always someone in the workplace that absolutely gets on your nerves?

Why don't we tell each other when we smell bad, have bad breath, have something stuck on our teeth, etc?

Why do I believe that things will change by doing everything the same as always?

Why are healthy habits harder than unhealthy habits when healthy habits make you feel so much better?

Why do people dislike rain?

Can I go through a whole day without thinking something critical about myself?


For some reason, I get really annoyed and distracted by people in yoga class who make noisy yawns and exhales, like they are sighing. It's more than annoyance - I hate it! All through class, I am trying to be silent, focus on the moment, breathe evenly and deeply, and it sounds like everyone around me is waking up, or exasperated, or having an orgasm. It makes me think that they are inconsiderate of the people around them, these yogis, and that they are not giving their all to the practice. But yesterday I went to a class in which the teacher encouraged everyone to let out a big breath after each sequence, "let it out, whatever you are carrying, just let it go, blah blah blah" and all around me you'd think it was nap time. Meanwhile, I have sweat in my eyes and my legs are shaking with fatigue. I need to breathe just to keep it all going. Who has energy to sigh, I'd like to know? They need to do a few more Vinyasas.

I'm a serious person. I know you thought differently, that I was a light-spirited, happy-go-lucky sunny kind of chick, but I take things seriously. Maybe too seriously, some of you may say now. But maybe you also need to do a few more Vinyasas.

I wish I was more easy-going sometimes. Especially at work, where if I really have an aversion to someone, I can't even look them in the eye most of the time. But I feel the dislike, so I can't hide it, so I have to hide from them, so I don't make them feel bad. Though they probably already know. I don't like people who insult me or patronize me or add more stress to the atmosphere. That's reasonable, right? The difference is in how you handle it. I tell people to back off, or say to them I'll ask for help when I need it, thanks anyway, or sometimes I will just blurt out, "oh stop complaining, we always listen to your stoner rock." And I want to say more mean aggressive things to these people, like "if you aren't going to wear deodorant, bring a change of shirt. You smell so bad it's counterproductive!" or "There are lots of arrogant men of mediocre intelligence who spend all day in front of a computer, you are nothing special!"

I feel like maybe life would be a little more cruise-y if I didn't get so annoyed with people. And I think calming meditative things, like yoga, can aid in this. BUT NOT WHEN PEOPLE ARE SIGHING ALL AROUND ME!

Which leads me to wish that I was a more easy-going person by nature. But I have to learn to appreciate that I am not.

If I learn to know when to hold them and when to fold them, maybe my ability to get annoyed can help others. For example, if I had the nerve to say "Look, you smell, do something about it," maybe it would make the office a less smelly place, benefiting everyone at work, though it may make me an enemy to the person in question. And then I may have to experience repercussions, like he may say to me one day "Alicia, can you stop being such a bitch?" And then I would cry because I can't help being a bitch when all around me people are smelly and arrogant and won't shut up and won't stop sighing in yoga class! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm going to yoga class today. It's a free one-week trial for first timers at this studio, so who can complain?

Walking in Cambridge, Mass.

I have been working a lot and no longer have Internet where I am staying, so blog entries have not been a priority. I recently discovered though that if I hold my laptop to the windowsill of another person's bedroom, I can get a neighbor's Internet signal. I know it is stealing, but if the Internet is unlimited, then so what, right? Why don't I feel bad about this?

I won't bore you with work info, because it isn't exciting to tell you at all - I feel like these days the story is very much the same on the work front.

I did have an interesting experience recently though. I took a little walk around Cambridge, past Harvard Square, where all the big gorgeous houses are. I used to live in this neighborhood, for a brief period while i finished my last year of college and worked as a nanny for a busy couple. They worked a lot, and their kids missed them, but they were extremely kind and generous caring people. I loved their kids. It was very confusing for me, I ended up quitting the job but renting a room from them for my last year in Boston. It allowed me to be with them without feeling like I was going to abandon the kids when I finally left. I think if you care about people, being a nanny is a very confusing job.

Anyhoo, I was walking through these fancy neighborhoods and remembering all the walks and events and experiences I had while I was living here. I really loved living in Cambridge, but struggled financially and often felt lonely. When you are in your early twenties, you are lucky if you feel confident, and I mean truly confident. Sure you may know if people think you are good-looking, or funny or whatever, but do you actually believe in yourself? Do you like who you are, do you have any clue who that is? Do you value yourself beyond the approval others give you? I certainly did not. I was trying though. I still try, but I don't have to try so hard. Most of the time. Remembering how confused, excited and uncertain I was about everything back then as I walked through the area gave me a bittersweet feeling, because even though I had all of these feelings back then, and I wasn't necessarily happy, I had a sense of the fact that so much more of life was coming, and I wanted it to be good. And I did manage to have a lot of fun and be creative. It made me want to experience it all over again, the good and the bad moments, to have that sense of excitement that at times these days I think has deserted me.

Then I became a little sad and teary-eyed, and I was starting to lose sensation in my toes and fingers because it was so cold. But just to be walking through these beautiful tree-lined streets, in a biting air that made me aware of my environment, brought on a profound sense of gratitude, for everything - for the fact that I can walk here, that I have this time for myself, that it is peaceful, that I have had so many varied and wonderful experiences that I have tried my best to learn and grow from. It also made me feel lucky to have what I have now, so many good people in my life, a good husband, a good career, and I still feel healthy and young. Life will continue to unfold in different and unexpected ways, and I will do my best to appreciate and roll with it.

Cambridge is so rich! Just one beautiful house after another and another. When I was in my early twenties, living here, a friend of mine and I used to get stoned and walk around here, in the summer evenings, when trees and flowers were at their peaks and everything smelled gorgeous and swayed in the breeze. We used to look into people's windows and talk about these people's lives with envy and a certain level of bitterness. We could never imagine having lives that would afford us houses like these, or cars, or houses on Cape Cod, or any of the luxuries or apparent ease that these people had. We resented that these people had these things and we did not. We would often say that we didn't think they deserved to have so much when others had so little. But deep down, we wanted this good life too. We wanted to have these homes and cushy lives, we just didn't want them to have it. Walking around this last time, I felt differently. I don't want this life I am seeing in Cambridge, but I do want to have a good life. And I want these people to have a good life - I don't want to take it from them. I want everyone I know to have a good life - I want people everywhere to have a good life. But now I know that a good life can look more than one way.

I suppose Cambridge is a lovely place to walk.